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CONTACT FOR ALL TYPES OF COMEDY/MUSIC/MAGIC/ AND OTHER PERFORMING ACTS FOR ANY SETTINGS
Email: buylife1@gmail.com Facebook email: smiley865worth@m.facebook.com
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Land of Laughter Productions website
CONTACT FOR ALL TYPES OF COMEDY/MUSIC/MAGIC/ AND OTHER PERFORMING ACTS FOR ANY SETTINGS
Email: buylife1@gmail.com Facebook email: smiley865worth@m.facebook.com
Google Buzz! : http://www.google.com/profiles/buylife1
Land of Laughter Productions website
JOKE SAMPLES(copyright Robert Morgan-not to be used or reprinted without written permission and attribution)
Never buy a werewolf skin rug during a full moon. I woke up the next day and there was just a dead naked guy on the floor...
I got into a fight with the invisible man. I punched him in the face and gave him a clear eye.
I opened a can of mushrooms the other day, I opened them up and found a dead Smurf inside.
I'm environmentally conscious. I avoid using aerosol cans. Soooo, I've been using Raid in a roll-on. The ants in the kitchen weren't too bad but that wasp nest was a royal pain!
It is weird not having pets and children around constantly. Now, when I drop food on the floor, nothing eats it.
I hate when I time travel and my luggage is sent to the Stone Age, so there I am in 1700 with only 1 powdered wig and waistcoat.
I really want some jello...female wrestlers included.
Halloween is a day where we dress up to confuse the spirits for our safety. Why can't we just sit down with them and arrange a truce?
When starting a new job...always ask for a pony. You never know! Plus it'll make your next requests seem more doable.
Do you know they sell pet health insurance?...can't wait until Obama takes that over. You think your pets pay too many taxes now...
You know, Jet magazine did not have 1 article about flying...I'm so pissed.
It may be politically incorrect and insensitive, but when seated near a redneck, I get fearful for my personal safety and intelligence.
I have the worst luck. The devil canceled our contract so he could spend more time focusing on Justin Bieber.
Life is short...yeah...only 4 letters.
New name for a condom....Cumbrella.
Nick Cage can't even live within his income so how are we supposed to?
Pregnant friend said, "The only thing that the baby likes anymore is Mexican food and Paydays." Strange...it already has a concept of money.
Man...don't try the new cereal, MaTrix...you think the old rabbit was determined to get your cereal....
I believe in a higher power...like 2 cubed is higher than 2 squared.
Supposedly what goes up must come down but I know many people stuck in that position.
I've eaten at so many Chinese buffets lately I'm starting to use a litter box.
I went to the library to check out the suicide doctor Kevrokian's book, Final Exit. Apparently the last person never came back with it.
I'd forget my emotions if they weren't detached.
I feel sorry for some of my Kentucky friends...they can't always fight tooth and nail for something...sometimes only just nail.
What do you call Iron Man without his armor? Stark naked
If zombies made cookies in a hollow tree, they'd be better received.
Just my luck! I found a genie in a bottle...he was suffocated!!! Somebody oughta put airholes in those things.
I was going to start complaining about the lack of new science fiction on tv....then I realized Bristol Palin is on Dancing With the Stars.
It`s weird. The local funeral home offers conjugal visits. And not just to family either.
Feeling so single, I'm renaming my place The None Shack.
Today is binary day (10-10-10) which is fine. I still am heteronary. Sunday, October 10, 2010 12:36:30 PM via web
I love Muppets. I lost my virginity to a hand puppet!
Ladies...for a limited time...inside every load of semen I have added an instant win piece. You could be a lucky winner.
I think a zombie could be kinda good at oral with the proper training.
I spoke to a mirror salesman the other day. I couldn't understand a word he said. It was like he was speaking backwards.
If aliens look like the blob I feel sorry for them. When they text they never use a smiley face.
I don't like to wear clothes much. They're just going to get bloody and trap DNA.
I don't get cat burglars...I mean, you can get free kittens all day long in any paper. You don't have to steal them.
I wish all of Justin Beiber's music was converted to dog whistle.
I thought I had bought homing pigeons but these just want to butt-f@#k a lot!!!!
I'm listening to Sexual Healing. My health plan sucks. It doesn't cover that.
I do exercise my mind. I have it think about jogging for 30 minutes every day.
I would like to expand my mind but my skull's kinda cramped.
I get tired of being typecast as the hot blonde nurse in pornos...sigh.
I'm thinking of maybe writing nutrition facts on cereal boxes. Their writers suck. Not even a verb and terrible plot lines!
My place is so small...it's only in 2 dimensions.
My place is so small, when my toast popped up, it made the roof collapse.
My place is so small the roaches had to rent storage units.
"You can tell how good a book is by how totally it smashes a fly." George W. Bush (Fake Quotes by Robert Morgan)
The aliens visiting us are teen e.t. joyriders. Anally probing rednecks and making crop circles is their version of cow tipping and tagging.
We need to keep petroleum for the pleasure of moviegoers. Imagine a chase scene in electric cars. They crash and just a little sizzle...that would suck.
If we outlaw gay marriage, then only outlaws will be gay...or something like that.
Last year I vacationed at the undersea kingdom of Atlantis. Picked up a mermaid and smoked a little coral reefer. We got so low man...
Instead of a gas tank, my car uses a fish tank. I get 30 miles to a guppie.
I tried telecommuting but my phone gets lousy gas mileage.
Build a better sextrap and the world will beat off a pathway to your door.
I think it would be funny if guys went to Hooters and were waited on by trained owls in tiny t-shirts.
I remember the ad where the woman "brought home the bacon and fried it up in the pan". Great, a woman who can only make breakfast all day! "What are we having for dinner, honey? Oh, let me guess...bacon! AGAIN! Ummm...I just remembered I have a dinner meeting at Applebee's."
Ironically, I don't think the Joker or the Riddler would have made great comedians.
If there are aliens... they must have a pop culture of sorts...which means there's a version of Justin Bieber so they must be destroyed.
If I had a zoo, I'd have a dodo bird exhibit with just a sign in it...closed for cleaning. Imagine all the disappointed rednecks!
I know just enough Spanish to get shot by a Mexican pimp and enough Chinese for their government to have me disappear.
When you first start out masturbating, shouldn't it be amateurbation?
Some days I almost want China to take us over just to make our punk ass kids finally do some work!
Do porn stars complain about the script? "I don't think my character would want to screw the hot college chicks with large breasts."
Well, I guess Justin Bieber isn't the worst female singer I have heard...
I am now friends with Jane Goodall on Twitter. Of course I must establish dominance.
Grilled Cheesus died for your culinary sins. Your botched attempts to be Iron Chef...Forgrill them Father for they know not what they skewer.
When there is only 1 Beatle left, will he get all the others' power?
I look at Mexican food as exercise for my colon...so I'm getting ready to go work out! Feel the burn, small and large intestines!
I wanted an iPod and i Phone but I'm broke so I had to settle to for just an i.
For that ladies now they have the iDouche...not just for cleansing anymore...it comes with music to sooth the savage yeast!
You have the right to listen to whatever you wish. But as a comedian, if it's country, I'm going to make fun of you...as you should be.
Time heals all wombs.
The show Family Feud would have been far more entertaining had the contestants been armed.
The White House is going solar...and the red phone is being replaced with a crystal radio from Radio Shack.
Do you need a 12-step program to become an alcoholic or do you just jump right in?
Ready to be booked...will consider nudity, as long as it's tasteless.
I tried to follow Schwarzenegger's tweets but I couldn't understand his accent.
I don't know much about gay suicide but wearing plaid should be.
Putdowns: You couldn't get laid if u bought a sexbot!
If Harry Potter has sex with a muggle, isn't that sex out of warlock?
I'm was watching The Swamp Thing series on Hulu...made me want salad...
Cybering on the phone gives me an iGasm!
I would love to hug your heart until it bursts...because I care that much!
Tomorrow I shall powerwash the homeless!
I've never met a non-existent entity I didn't like.
These anal beads taste funny.
Life is like a box of chocolates. By the time you get to the box, only the nasty ones are left and they've been mishandled.
Anyone ever made love so hard their political leanings switched sides?
Failure can be very motivating. If Hitler wasn't a failed artist and Jesus a failed carpenter...
They don't have chili-flavored laxatives??! That seems like the first flavor they'd go with! That way your mind is somewhat prepared.
I have so much to do today...I have to shave and get dressed...how do people do it?
Remember that time we woke up naked together in Havana with the goat and stuttering Englishman...
I call my dick Cherry Picker because firefighters can use it to rescue victims in tall buildings and for it's devirginizing powers!
I am calling my dick Montana...because it needs wide open spaces!
There's a new reality show called Teach where Tony Danza is a teacher teaching kids English. Bizarre! I never even knew Danza spoke English.
If you are having a picnic in Spain, and think our flies are gross...you should see what their flies do to the food before they eat it.
I'm enjoying a relaxing day in my underwear. Why are the other IHOP customers staring so much? Is there something in my teeth?
I can be bought people...apparently for a free combo meal at Rally's for 15 minutes...because that's what I did their survey for.
I am finding this awkward silence between us uncomfortable.
Am I the only single person here who is looking for that "It's complicated" status to change to "single" for your hot FB friend?
I hate Mondays...apparently God outsourced this day to Satan.
I think the appropriate punishment in hell for pizza restaurant employees is to be covered in hot cheese and stuck to the lid of a giant box.
If Monday had a theme music, it would be the music played when the creature or killer is about to strike.
The Hulk is taking anger management...now he just becomes a redneck wearing a wife-beater...the Incredible Hick
Sam the Toucan now has nephews...guess he's their fruity uncle.
I don't like to waste time with mindless tweets...so here's a meaningless one.
The 2 worst kinds of people are mimes and clowns...worse than syphillis-ridden whores...they have honor at least.
When life hands you lemons...try to undercut the competitor lemon dealers!
Ok...I looking for a nice-paying gig as a millionare woman's beard...like Steadman has. Any takers? Hillary Clinton?
Watching Titanic with anyone demands sex I think.a prize for suffering through that crappy lesbian love story-Kate Winslet and Leo DiCaprio. That's why it was so awkward with grandma and me after that. Just kidding...she was dead when i f@#ked her...it was never awkward.
I'm so single Betty White is looking hot...or Mrs. Garrett on The Facts of Life...let's see what u really know bitch! ;P
I went to San Antonio once and saw the Alamo. I don't remember it.
I hope I am famous when I die of a drug overdose...otherwise it seems so senseless.
So sad about Tony Curtis...and so young too.....
The Flintstones are Google's theme today. Did Fred Flintstone die? I'm worried. Haven't heard anything from him lately...on TMZ or anything.
I love you all...it's purely sexual.
There is no valid reason for Halloween not to be a national holiday. It's is discrimatory against deceased Americans.
Puttin' on the Ritz is nothing about crackers.
The day is coming when you type someone's name in and GPS will take you right to them. Bad news for cheating spouses having a hook-up!
You don't see bandwagons that often anymore...probably due to the cost of liability insurance rising due to so many people jumping on them.
I was at karaoke and crucified 2 of 4 songs...Hey There Delilah and Puttin' on the Ritz can never be sung in North America again. You're welcome.
I believe comics go to heaven. As long as you can get 10 friends to come with you.
I missed the Britney Spears episode of Glee but I'm sure I can find a porn musical online to suffice.
I think The Social Network should be performed live and told in a series of status updates and random pokes.
Really, I do question the devil's management. If we are going to hell, a hand basket seems rather impractical.
Just because I'm pro-sin doesn't mean I'm the anti-Christ.;0
I once had a near death experience and as I approached the light I realized it was just an old ghost driver who left his blinker on.
In the extended version of Forrest Gump, he WALKS across America.
I need to rob a country...nothing too big, modest treasury... Ghana, Zaire, maybe the Middle East--tried of living on Brokeback Morgan.
This morning my eyes were playing tricks on me. First they hid my wallet, then they pantsed me. The little stinkers.
I'm going to film movies in the fifth dimension. It will be like current 3-D except with the soundtrack from Hair.
If one cooked the Spice Girls, would you add any seasonings?
New word: Deliberance: When a redneck male rapes another male, he did it with deliberance!
I used to have problems with tiny shoulder angels telling me what to do until I discovered Off! Angel Repellent. No more moral restraint!
Be honest now...who has "accidentally" dropped their partner's toothbrush in the toilet and quietly put it back where it belongs?
I am so American I willfully force immigrants to sing Lee Greenwood. ;P
We all have our demons...mine I named Hellboy!
I got in touch with my feminine side. It's pressing charges. The problem is I have no idea how I can obey the restraining order.
Difference between a whore and a comedian? A whore might rinse off between acts.
Parts of me are quite modern. I'm a metro-sectional.
Apparently I have a stalker. I keep getting strange calls and letters from someone named Visa.
I want an evil twin so we'll be exactly alike.
Don't you hate when you shave your pubes and nobody notices?
I don't do well with in-laws. My best hope is to find a girl sent here by her parents before their dying planet exploded.
If I could put time in a bottle, I'd add lemon for extra flavor.
If life is full of regrets, why is there always room for more?
Normal is a bedtime story used to frighten children.
Be a patriot! Buy American porn!
Robert has the eye of the jester...is in the comedy zone...is ready to lay it all on the punchline.
WTF is the deal with angels and bathroom tissue? I had kinda figured that was one function we didn't have to deal with in heaven.
Mary, Mary, quite contrary, how does your garden grow? With UV lights, hydroponics, and seeds from Pusher Joe.
MY PICK-UP LINE: I WILL RAVAGE YOU LIKE AN ALIEN IN TOY STORY UNTIL YOU SAY "CLAW!"
Does the Supreme Being come with sour cream?
I'm looking for a nice girl to take home to mother. She's been wanting to experiment.
Kids missing the toilet? Electrify the floor around it. They'll learn.
You're probably a sex addict when you go to an adult bookstore and everyone there yells your name like you're Norm on Cheers!
Keyboards should not have the B next to the N. Mistype "Bigger" in the wrong place and see what happens!
If you have never screwed a werewolf, you should. You'll be lycan it!
Sorry but Super Nanny looks like she picked Mary Poppin's bones clean and ate half the children.
Due to political correctness, Dr. Strange will now be called Dr. Whose Differences I Can Accept.
This chick's breath was so bad, when she went to a viewing, the corpse closed the casket.
Interesting science fact...cats don't land on their feet if you cut them off.
I know I'm 41 but I still collect comics. I have Bob Hope in my freezer.
I have never sucked a dick...well, I can't be sure...names weren't exchanged.
I bought a can of mushrooms the other day. Opened them up and found a dead smurf inside.
Due to Twitter and Facebook, internet porn is feeling neglected. Show it some love, people.
Show your dad you care and share his interests with him, like teabagging.
They say all is fair in love and war but at least in war, there's the Geneva Convention.
I'm now available for children's parties and deer guttings.
Frickin' illegal leprechauns...taking jobs away from American cereal mascots!
If loving rap is wrong, then I never want to be white.
If life sucked any harder her head would implode.This neighborhood is so poor you have to rent your movies from CardboardBox.
Success is 1% inspiration, 99% perspiration which is why so few inventions come from Alaska.
I`m teaching prostitutes to wrestle to create an army of Grappling Hookers!
Light beer-you still get drunk. You just remember half of what you did.Have you tried the new candy, S & Ms? They are very painful to eat.
Dominos Pizza has an ad campaign that names some individuals that haven't tried their product. Ladies! Masengill's will be calling you out.
Sunburn season: Time, love, and tender tits.
I understand why a program on tv is called a show but a program on radio should be called a tell.
I approached the bright light but then it was turned off. Astral rejection!!!
I am finding a lot of buffets caring less about the quality of cat they serve.
I think if God loved mankind, he'd just make cupcake trees so we wouldn't have to work so hard gathering and assembling the ingredients.
I got into a fight with the invisible man. I punched him in the face and gave him a clear eye.
I opened a can of mushrooms the other day, I opened them up and found a dead Smurf inside.
I'm environmentally conscious. I avoid using aerosol cans. Soooo, I've been using Raid in a roll-on. The ants in the kitchen weren't too bad but that wasp nest was a royal pain!
It is weird not having pets and children around constantly. Now, when I drop food on the floor, nothing eats it.
I hate when I time travel and my luggage is sent to the Stone Age, so there I am in 1700 with only 1 powdered wig and waistcoat.
I really want some jello...female wrestlers included.
Halloween is a day where we dress up to confuse the spirits for our safety. Why can't we just sit down with them and arrange a truce?
When starting a new job...always ask for a pony. You never know! Plus it'll make your next requests seem more doable.
Do you know they sell pet health insurance?...can't wait until Obama takes that over. You think your pets pay too many taxes now...
You know, Jet magazine did not have 1 article about flying...I'm so pissed.
It may be politically incorrect and insensitive, but when seated near a redneck, I get fearful for my personal safety and intelligence.
I have the worst luck. The devil canceled our contract so he could spend more time focusing on Justin Bieber.
Life is short...yeah...only 4 letters.
New name for a condom....Cumbrella.
Nick Cage can't even live within his income so how are we supposed to?
Pregnant friend said, "The only thing that the baby likes anymore is Mexican food and Paydays." Strange...it already has a concept of money.
Man...don't try the new cereal, MaTrix...you think the old rabbit was determined to get your cereal....
I believe in a higher power...like 2 cubed is higher than 2 squared.
Supposedly what goes up must come down but I know many people stuck in that position.
I've eaten at so many Chinese buffets lately I'm starting to use a litter box.
I went to the library to check out the suicide doctor Kevrokian's book, Final Exit. Apparently the last person never came back with it.
I'd forget my emotions if they weren't detached.
I feel sorry for some of my Kentucky friends...they can't always fight tooth and nail for something...sometimes only just nail.
What do you call Iron Man without his armor? Stark naked
If zombies made cookies in a hollow tree, they'd be better received.
Just my luck! I found a genie in a bottle...he was suffocated!!! Somebody oughta put airholes in those things.
I was going to start complaining about the lack of new science fiction on tv....then I realized Bristol Palin is on Dancing With the Stars.
It`s weird. The local funeral home offers conjugal visits. And not just to family either.
Feeling so single, I'm renaming my place The None Shack.
Today is binary day (10-10-10) which is fine. I still am heteronary. Sunday, October 10, 2010 12:36:30 PM via web
I love Muppets. I lost my virginity to a hand puppet!
Ladies...for a limited time...inside every load of semen I have added an instant win piece. You could be a lucky winner.
I think a zombie could be kinda good at oral with the proper training.
I spoke to a mirror salesman the other day. I couldn't understand a word he said. It was like he was speaking backwards.
If aliens look like the blob I feel sorry for them. When they text they never use a smiley face.
I don't like to wear clothes much. They're just going to get bloody and trap DNA.
I don't get cat burglars...I mean, you can get free kittens all day long in any paper. You don't have to steal them.
I wish all of Justin Beiber's music was converted to dog whistle.
I thought I had bought homing pigeons but these just want to butt-f@#k a lot!!!!
I'm listening to Sexual Healing. My health plan sucks. It doesn't cover that.
I do exercise my mind. I have it think about jogging for 30 minutes every day.
I would like to expand my mind but my skull's kinda cramped.
I get tired of being typecast as the hot blonde nurse in pornos...sigh.
I'm thinking of maybe writing nutrition facts on cereal boxes. Their writers suck. Not even a verb and terrible plot lines!
My place is so small...it's only in 2 dimensions.
My place is so small, when my toast popped up, it made the roof collapse.
My place is so small the roaches had to rent storage units.
"You can tell how good a book is by how totally it smashes a fly." George W. Bush (Fake Quotes by Robert Morgan)
The aliens visiting us are teen e.t. joyriders. Anally probing rednecks and making crop circles is their version of cow tipping and tagging.
We need to keep petroleum for the pleasure of moviegoers. Imagine a chase scene in electric cars. They crash and just a little sizzle...that would suck.
If we outlaw gay marriage, then only outlaws will be gay...or something like that.
Last year I vacationed at the undersea kingdom of Atlantis. Picked up a mermaid and smoked a little coral reefer. We got so low man...
Instead of a gas tank, my car uses a fish tank. I get 30 miles to a guppie.
I tried telecommuting but my phone gets lousy gas mileage.
Build a better sextrap and the world will beat off a pathway to your door.
I think it would be funny if guys went to Hooters and were waited on by trained owls in tiny t-shirts.
I remember the ad where the woman "brought home the bacon and fried it up in the pan". Great, a woman who can only make breakfast all day! "What are we having for dinner, honey? Oh, let me guess...bacon! AGAIN! Ummm...I just remembered I have a dinner meeting at Applebee's."
Ironically, I don't think the Joker or the Riddler would have made great comedians.
If there are aliens... they must have a pop culture of sorts...which means there's a version of Justin Bieber so they must be destroyed.
If I had a zoo, I'd have a dodo bird exhibit with just a sign in it...closed for cleaning. Imagine all the disappointed rednecks!
I know just enough Spanish to get shot by a Mexican pimp and enough Chinese for their government to have me disappear.
When you first start out masturbating, shouldn't it be amateurbation?
Some days I almost want China to take us over just to make our punk ass kids finally do some work!
Do porn stars complain about the script? "I don't think my character would want to screw the hot college chicks with large breasts."
Well, I guess Justin Bieber isn't the worst female singer I have heard...
I am now friends with Jane Goodall on Twitter. Of course I must establish dominance.
Grilled Cheesus died for your culinary sins. Your botched attempts to be Iron Chef...Forgrill them Father for they know not what they skewer.
When there is only 1 Beatle left, will he get all the others' power?
I look at Mexican food as exercise for my colon...so I'm getting ready to go work out! Feel the burn, small and large intestines!
I wanted an iPod and i Phone but I'm broke so I had to settle to for just an i.
For that ladies now they have the iDouche...not just for cleansing anymore...it comes with music to sooth the savage yeast!
You have the right to listen to whatever you wish. But as a comedian, if it's country, I'm going to make fun of you...as you should be.
Time heals all wombs.
The show Family Feud would have been far more entertaining had the contestants been armed.
The White House is going solar...and the red phone is being replaced with a crystal radio from Radio Shack.
Do you need a 12-step program to become an alcoholic or do you just jump right in?
Ready to be booked...will consider nudity, as long as it's tasteless.
I tried to follow Schwarzenegger's tweets but I couldn't understand his accent.
I don't know much about gay suicide but wearing plaid should be.
Putdowns: You couldn't get laid if u bought a sexbot!
If Harry Potter has sex with a muggle, isn't that sex out of warlock?
I'm was watching The Swamp Thing series on Hulu...made me want salad...
Cybering on the phone gives me an iGasm!
I would love to hug your heart until it bursts...because I care that much!
Tomorrow I shall powerwash the homeless!
I've never met a non-existent entity I didn't like.
These anal beads taste funny.
Life is like a box of chocolates. By the time you get to the box, only the nasty ones are left and they've been mishandled.
Anyone ever made love so hard their political leanings switched sides?
Failure can be very motivating. If Hitler wasn't a failed artist and Jesus a failed carpenter...
They don't have chili-flavored laxatives??! That seems like the first flavor they'd go with! That way your mind is somewhat prepared.
I have so much to do today...I have to shave and get dressed...how do people do it?
Remember that time we woke up naked together in Havana with the goat and stuttering Englishman...
I call my dick Cherry Picker because firefighters can use it to rescue victims in tall buildings and for it's devirginizing powers!
I am calling my dick Montana...because it needs wide open spaces!
There's a new reality show called Teach where Tony Danza is a teacher teaching kids English. Bizarre! I never even knew Danza spoke English.
If you are having a picnic in Spain, and think our flies are gross...you should see what their flies do to the food before they eat it.
I'm enjoying a relaxing day in my underwear. Why are the other IHOP customers staring so much? Is there something in my teeth?
I can be bought people...apparently for a free combo meal at Rally's for 15 minutes...because that's what I did their survey for.
I am finding this awkward silence between us uncomfortable.
Am I the only single person here who is looking for that "It's complicated" status to change to "single" for your hot FB friend?
I hate Mondays...apparently God outsourced this day to Satan.
I think the appropriate punishment in hell for pizza restaurant employees is to be covered in hot cheese and stuck to the lid of a giant box.
If Monday had a theme music, it would be the music played when the creature or killer is about to strike.
The Hulk is taking anger management...now he just becomes a redneck wearing a wife-beater...the Incredible Hick
Sam the Toucan now has nephews...guess he's their fruity uncle.
I don't like to waste time with mindless tweets...so here's a meaningless one.
The 2 worst kinds of people are mimes and clowns...worse than syphillis-ridden whores...they have honor at least.
When life hands you lemons...try to undercut the competitor lemon dealers!
Ok...I looking for a nice-paying gig as a millionare woman's beard...like Steadman has. Any takers? Hillary Clinton?
Watching Titanic with anyone demands sex I think.a prize for suffering through that crappy lesbian love story-Kate Winslet and Leo DiCaprio. That's why it was so awkward with grandma and me after that. Just kidding...she was dead when i f@#ked her...it was never awkward.
I'm so single Betty White is looking hot...or Mrs. Garrett on The Facts of Life...let's see what u really know bitch! ;P
I went to San Antonio once and saw the Alamo. I don't remember it.
I hope I am famous when I die of a drug overdose...otherwise it seems so senseless.
So sad about Tony Curtis...and so young too.....
The Flintstones are Google's theme today. Did Fred Flintstone die? I'm worried. Haven't heard anything from him lately...on TMZ or anything.
I love you all...it's purely sexual.
There is no valid reason for Halloween not to be a national holiday. It's is discrimatory against deceased Americans.
Puttin' on the Ritz is nothing about crackers.
The day is coming when you type someone's name in and GPS will take you right to them. Bad news for cheating spouses having a hook-up!
You don't see bandwagons that often anymore...probably due to the cost of liability insurance rising due to so many people jumping on them.
I was at karaoke and crucified 2 of 4 songs...Hey There Delilah and Puttin' on the Ritz can never be sung in North America again. You're welcome.
I believe comics go to heaven. As long as you can get 10 friends to come with you.
I missed the Britney Spears episode of Glee but I'm sure I can find a porn musical online to suffice.
I think The Social Network should be performed live and told in a series of status updates and random pokes.
Really, I do question the devil's management. If we are going to hell, a hand basket seems rather impractical.
Just because I'm pro-sin doesn't mean I'm the anti-Christ.;0
I once had a near death experience and as I approached the light I realized it was just an old ghost driver who left his blinker on.
In the extended version of Forrest Gump, he WALKS across America.
I need to rob a country...nothing too big, modest treasury... Ghana, Zaire, maybe the Middle East--tried of living on Brokeback Morgan.
This morning my eyes were playing tricks on me. First they hid my wallet, then they pantsed me. The little stinkers.
I'm going to film movies in the fifth dimension. It will be like current 3-D except with the soundtrack from Hair.
If one cooked the Spice Girls, would you add any seasonings?
New word: Deliberance: When a redneck male rapes another male, he did it with deliberance!
I used to have problems with tiny shoulder angels telling me what to do until I discovered Off! Angel Repellent. No more moral restraint!
Be honest now...who has "accidentally" dropped their partner's toothbrush in the toilet and quietly put it back where it belongs?
I am so American I willfully force immigrants to sing Lee Greenwood. ;P
We all have our demons...mine I named Hellboy!
I got in touch with my feminine side. It's pressing charges. The problem is I have no idea how I can obey the restraining order.
Difference between a whore and a comedian? A whore might rinse off between acts.
Parts of me are quite modern. I'm a metro-sectional.
Apparently I have a stalker. I keep getting strange calls and letters from someone named Visa.
I want an evil twin so we'll be exactly alike.
Don't you hate when you shave your pubes and nobody notices?
I don't do well with in-laws. My best hope is to find a girl sent here by her parents before their dying planet exploded.
If I could put time in a bottle, I'd add lemon for extra flavor.
If life is full of regrets, why is there always room for more?
Normal is a bedtime story used to frighten children.
Be a patriot! Buy American porn!
Robert has the eye of the jester...is in the comedy zone...is ready to lay it all on the punchline.
WTF is the deal with angels and bathroom tissue? I had kinda figured that was one function we didn't have to deal with in heaven.
Mary, Mary, quite contrary, how does your garden grow? With UV lights, hydroponics, and seeds from Pusher Joe.
MY PICK-UP LINE: I WILL RAVAGE YOU LIKE AN ALIEN IN TOY STORY UNTIL YOU SAY "CLAW!"
Does the Supreme Being come with sour cream?
I'm looking for a nice girl to take home to mother. She's been wanting to experiment.
Kids missing the toilet? Electrify the floor around it. They'll learn.
You're probably a sex addict when you go to an adult bookstore and everyone there yells your name like you're Norm on Cheers!
Keyboards should not have the B next to the N. Mistype "Bigger" in the wrong place and see what happens!
If you have never screwed a werewolf, you should. You'll be lycan it!
Sorry but Super Nanny looks like she picked Mary Poppin's bones clean and ate half the children.
Due to political correctness, Dr. Strange will now be called Dr. Whose Differences I Can Accept.
This chick's breath was so bad, when she went to a viewing, the corpse closed the casket.
Interesting science fact...cats don't land on their feet if you cut them off.
I know I'm 41 but I still collect comics. I have Bob Hope in my freezer.
I have never sucked a dick...well, I can't be sure...names weren't exchanged.
I bought a can of mushrooms the other day. Opened them up and found a dead smurf inside.
Due to Twitter and Facebook, internet porn is feeling neglected. Show it some love, people.
Show your dad you care and share his interests with him, like teabagging.
They say all is fair in love and war but at least in war, there's the Geneva Convention.
I'm now available for children's parties and deer guttings.
Frickin' illegal leprechauns...taking jobs away from American cereal mascots!
If loving rap is wrong, then I never want to be white.
If life sucked any harder her head would implode.This neighborhood is so poor you have to rent your movies from CardboardBox.
Success is 1% inspiration, 99% perspiration which is why so few inventions come from Alaska.
I`m teaching prostitutes to wrestle to create an army of Grappling Hookers!
Light beer-you still get drunk. You just remember half of what you did.Have you tried the new candy, S & Ms? They are very painful to eat.
Dominos Pizza has an ad campaign that names some individuals that haven't tried their product. Ladies! Masengill's will be calling you out.
Sunburn season: Time, love, and tender tits.
I understand why a program on tv is called a show but a program on radio should be called a tell.
I approached the bright light but then it was turned off. Astral rejection!!!
I am finding a lot of buffets caring less about the quality of cat they serve.
I think if God loved mankind, he'd just make cupcake trees so we wouldn't have to work so hard gathering and assembling the ingredients.
Robert Morgan Comedian/Writer/Space Traveller
Robert Morgan has performed comedy for many years in clubs across this country and numerous planets across the galaxy. He has had the Snaridians laughing so hard many expired and now has an intergalactic warrant on his head for this act of genocide. Robert remains unapologetic for the effects of his humor. Robert may rap, do off-beat songs(often off-key too), impressions, one-liners...he doesn't even know what he's going to do.
If you are looking for an unusual comedy experience, not for the shallow-brained, the trepidatious, or the home incarcerated, then gird your loins and protect your sides with padding because Robert strikes at you with the vengeance of Yoda on crank.
If you are looking for an unusual comedy experience, not for the shallow-brained, the trepidatious, or the home incarcerated, then gird your loins and protect your sides with padding because Robert strikes at you with the vengeance of Yoda on crank.
Fan Comments:
"Robert makes me laugh so hard I pee on myself sometimes..but its a good peeing though." -- Chrystal Flanders
"Robert Morgan is a very talented comedian with a gift for the English language to boot. He is articulate, intelligent . . . and crazy!" His humor is truly out of this world."-- Barb Van Sant, Boulder Street Books LLC
"Robert is a humourist, an intellect, and a pervert. The way he juxtaposes these elements is an art." --Milowe McDuffey
"Robert Morgan is that bubbly feeling you get from watching a baby laugh, the warm feeling you get from playing with a kitten ..... that burning feeling you get six weeks after you visited that cheap hooker. The laughter he brings will stay with you like one of the above three."-- Rachel Miles
"Robert makes me laugh so hard I pee on myself sometimes..but its a good peeing though." -- Chrystal Flanders
"Robert Morgan is a very talented comedian with a gift for the English language to boot. He is articulate, intelligent . . . and crazy!" His humor is truly out of this world."-- Barb Van Sant, Boulder Street Books LLC
"Robert is a humourist, an intellect, and a pervert. The way he juxtaposes these elements is an art." --Milowe McDuffey
"Robert Morgan is that bubbly feeling you get from watching a baby laugh, the warm feeling you get from playing with a kitten ..... that burning feeling you get six weeks after you visited that cheap hooker. The laughter he brings will stay with you like one of the above three."-- Rachel Miles
