How to Survive a Zombie Attack or Paris Hilton
As a concerned citizen, I felt my civic duty as a proud red-blooded American to help my fellow brothers and sisters prepare for the eminent alien invasion. I would certainly be remiss if I didn’t help protect my fellow citizens with the same thoughtful tips in case of a zombie uprising. There is always the possibility they will attack first and I prefer living assistants to help me fend off the extra-terrestrial invaders.
What causes zombies? Well, there are many causes and much scientific debate over this phenomena. Bad voodoo, industrial chemicals, government viral tampering, or too many seasons of American Idol are the most common sources that make the dead boogie. The characteristics of zombies are usually a lack of any sense of fashion or hygiene, guttural grunting, and a lunging, lurching walk. I realize that can describe most people’s uncle so it can be confusing. Zombies don’t need oxygen so if you observe a creature moving but not breathing, it is either a zombie or a teenager. If you play Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”, the zombie will immediately start dancing so this will help you sort out the zombies from the teenagers.
Zombies hunger for fresh brains. They are NOT blood suckers like vampires. They are just your basic undead carnivore with a relatively simple palette. They are healthy eaters and hate to waste food., which is one of they’re good points. Because they like brains, they prefer college campuses and the east and west coasts. Southern zombies tend to “die” quickly from a lack of nutrition. If you are bitten by a zombie, consider this the highest form of flattery. It also will unfortunately turn you into a zombie. This is basically their coitus ritual. If you do not like the taste of brains, I highly recommend you avoid being bitten by a zombie, no matter how fetching or seductive he or she may be. Zombies are quite persistent, even more so than Jehovah’s Witness pushing Watchtower, or that guy selling Sham-Wows on late night television. Zombies really have no curfew since they require no sleep although they can run out of steam, with steam being brains in this case. They also aren’t very co-ordinated since their tissues have suffered varying degrees of rigor mortis and decay. However, in large numbers, they can pose a serious threat so I don’t recommend you try taking a group photo. To destroy a zombie, you can;t be timid. A good skull-crush or decapitation is pretty much all she wrote for the zombie but body blows of any type only tickle and tease them at best and only infuriate the poor zombie. Remember zombies are people too and they are just hungry and looking for brain food. Any tactics recommended in this article will have the same effect on Paris Hilton as well. She obviously has no interest in brains but men, gird your loins!
Obviously, by now you are knee-deep in zombie droppings and probably some of your own since it is a tense situation. It is best to stay in well-lit areas since zombies, although not harmed by light, seem to prefer to remain tan-free and their eyes don’t adjust readily to bright light. Loud sounds and movement do attract their attention so if you remain quiet and still like most of us wish our exes would, you shouldn’t attract their attention. If you are capable, it’s best to hide in places that require agility and/or climbing skills to get to since that is not a zombie forte’. As for weapons, flamethrowers, rocket launchers, M-1 Abrams tanks are excellent choices. If your local Wal-Mart is fresh out then gasoline and a bottle and rag(the old Molotov cocktail) works great, chainsaws(I don’t recommend Weed-whackers-they are quite time-consuming and most zombies don’t sit still patiently while you are trying to get the little plastic whip to sever their neck), and shotguns are quite effective. The reloading time in shotguns can be problematic in close quarters or multiple-zombie situations. Just like with aliens, I recommend keeping a Louisville Slugger on hand. One, you’re buying American and two, you never have to reload it.
If you are bitten by a zombie, drink some Red Bull. It may not cure you but will give you some extra pep to take a few with you. If you do have a willing friend you might convince them to suck the poison out. This might save you from living the glamorous life of the zombie but you will probably have to kill your friend. We all must make sacrifices. An old home remedy I was told was hooking up a car battery to your genitals might kill the zombie virus but try that at your own risk.
If you do survive the zombie pandemic, then obviously there won’t be a government left for a bailout so it’ll be up to you, bucko, to make it in this crazy new zombie-ridden world. There are many business ventures you can pursue and a lot will depend on your personality, resources, and of course, location, location, location. Cities offer you the widest marketplace for your business venture. You might try food service and offer brains in a variety of styles-Honey BBQ, Teriyaki, Cajun, Spicy Hot, and Mild. You could even add delivery service. There are so many options and food will always be in demand. Obviously zombies aren’t too fashion-conscious but a dedicated entrepreneur can help enlighten the zombie to the potential of a greater social life by a little accessorizing and a little flair. Transportation like scooters can help the more upscale zombies who are tired of losing their prey because of their slow speed. You could sell trapping equipment like nets and bear traps to help the zombies to become more self-reliant. Give a zombie a brain, he eats for a day, teach a zombie to brain, he eats for a lifetime! Nightcare opportunities will abound as zombie parents will want their little zombies safe and sound while they are foraging at night for fresh cerebellums to bring home to their family. Paris Hilton, as I understand, works well with children so this could be your first employee
What causes zombies? Well, there are many causes and much scientific debate over this phenomena. Bad voodoo, industrial chemicals, government viral tampering, or too many seasons of American Idol are the most common sources that make the dead boogie. The characteristics of zombies are usually a lack of any sense of fashion or hygiene, guttural grunting, and a lunging, lurching walk. I realize that can describe most people’s uncle so it can be confusing. Zombies don’t need oxygen so if you observe a creature moving but not breathing, it is either a zombie or a teenager. If you play Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”, the zombie will immediately start dancing so this will help you sort out the zombies from the teenagers.
Zombies hunger for fresh brains. They are NOT blood suckers like vampires. They are just your basic undead carnivore with a relatively simple palette. They are healthy eaters and hate to waste food., which is one of they’re good points. Because they like brains, they prefer college campuses and the east and west coasts. Southern zombies tend to “die” quickly from a lack of nutrition. If you are bitten by a zombie, consider this the highest form of flattery. It also will unfortunately turn you into a zombie. This is basically their coitus ritual. If you do not like the taste of brains, I highly recommend you avoid being bitten by a zombie, no matter how fetching or seductive he or she may be. Zombies are quite persistent, even more so than Jehovah’s Witness pushing Watchtower, or that guy selling Sham-Wows on late night television. Zombies really have no curfew since they require no sleep although they can run out of steam, with steam being brains in this case. They also aren’t very co-ordinated since their tissues have suffered varying degrees of rigor mortis and decay. However, in large numbers, they can pose a serious threat so I don’t recommend you try taking a group photo. To destroy a zombie, you can;t be timid. A good skull-crush or decapitation is pretty much all she wrote for the zombie but body blows of any type only tickle and tease them at best and only infuriate the poor zombie. Remember zombies are people too and they are just hungry and looking for brain food. Any tactics recommended in this article will have the same effect on Paris Hilton as well. She obviously has no interest in brains but men, gird your loins!
Obviously, by now you are knee-deep in zombie droppings and probably some of your own since it is a tense situation. It is best to stay in well-lit areas since zombies, although not harmed by light, seem to prefer to remain tan-free and their eyes don’t adjust readily to bright light. Loud sounds and movement do attract their attention so if you remain quiet and still like most of us wish our exes would, you shouldn’t attract their attention. If you are capable, it’s best to hide in places that require agility and/or climbing skills to get to since that is not a zombie forte’. As for weapons, flamethrowers, rocket launchers, M-1 Abrams tanks are excellent choices. If your local Wal-Mart is fresh out then gasoline and a bottle and rag(the old Molotov cocktail) works great, chainsaws(I don’t recommend Weed-whackers-they are quite time-consuming and most zombies don’t sit still patiently while you are trying to get the little plastic whip to sever their neck), and shotguns are quite effective. The reloading time in shotguns can be problematic in close quarters or multiple-zombie situations. Just like with aliens, I recommend keeping a Louisville Slugger on hand. One, you’re buying American and two, you never have to reload it.
If you are bitten by a zombie, drink some Red Bull. It may not cure you but will give you some extra pep to take a few with you. If you do have a willing friend you might convince them to suck the poison out. This might save you from living the glamorous life of the zombie but you will probably have to kill your friend. We all must make sacrifices. An old home remedy I was told was hooking up a car battery to your genitals might kill the zombie virus but try that at your own risk.
If you do survive the zombie pandemic, then obviously there won’t be a government left for a bailout so it’ll be up to you, bucko, to make it in this crazy new zombie-ridden world. There are many business ventures you can pursue and a lot will depend on your personality, resources, and of course, location, location, location. Cities offer you the widest marketplace for your business venture. You might try food service and offer brains in a variety of styles-Honey BBQ, Teriyaki, Cajun, Spicy Hot, and Mild. You could even add delivery service. There are so many options and food will always be in demand. Obviously zombies aren’t too fashion-conscious but a dedicated entrepreneur can help enlighten the zombie to the potential of a greater social life by a little accessorizing and a little flair. Transportation like scooters can help the more upscale zombies who are tired of losing their prey because of their slow speed. You could sell trapping equipment like nets and bear traps to help the zombies to become more self-reliant. Give a zombie a brain, he eats for a day, teach a zombie to brain, he eats for a lifetime! Nightcare opportunities will abound as zombie parents will want their little zombies safe and sound while they are foraging at night for fresh cerebellums to bring home to their family. Paris Hilton, as I understand, works well with children so this could be your first employee