Do Your Ears Hang Low? Do They Wobble To and fro?
Are your ears gia-normous? Do they make a flapping sound in high winds? Perhaps your nose is so large birds nest in it. Are your teeth as large as index cards or perhaps are they hideously off-putting? Do villagers with torches often force you to relocate? You could of course spend thousands on cosmetic surgery but that takes money you may not have. As more consumers are using plastic bags, the old stand-by, the paper bag is collecting dust. These old paper bags make the best concealer of facial anomalies money can buy. You can even print-out a picture of someone whose face you do like and glue it to the bag. Obviously, no one will be fooled by this but the extreme curiosity will get you welcome attention. If someone asks why you are wearing the bag, you could say, "Sssshh! I'm a celebrity. I don't want anyone to recognize me." or "I just had surgery" or "My spouse beats me and I don't want anyone to see." if you wish to play the sympathy card. This way your looks won't have to be a barrier and everyone is spared from seeing someone so hideous; truly, a win-win situation. Think of all the people you have seen that would have benefited from this simple advice and you'll wish you had done it sooner.
Read the testimonials of these successful clients who have benefited from the bag approach:
"I used to be shunned or hear rude comments about my looks but now thanks to the Paper Bag, people strike up conversations out of the blue. I even get compliments on my back hump with people even wishing they had one. Thanks Paper Bag! You're a life saver!" Igor T. Hunchback, Transylvania
"Citizens used to run in fear whenever I would visit Tokyo. Now children come up to me with flowers! Of course I did have some problems with the flammability of the paper bag but practice has resolved this problem!" Godzilla J. Nissan, Tokyo, Japan
"My husband Fang has become like a sexual dynamo in the bedroom now!" Phyllis Diller, California
"After my 8 years in a high-profile position and much hatred from the American citizenry, the Paper Bag has allowed me some privacy and peace of mind." NAME WITHHELD BY REQUEST, Crawford, Texas
The Paper Bag is made primarily with recycled materials and is a low cost option for those with disfigurements or social phobias. The Paper Bag may contain side effects like claustrophobia and increases fears of darkness. Please keep the Paper Bag away from open flames and do not smoke while wearing the Paper Bag. As always, consult your physician before usage. If you experience nausea or vomiting, be thankful you have a Paper Bag handy!